Marie

Hello dear and faithful friends! 

Time keeps on moving even if we aren't updating our blogs. :) So many thoughts, so much to say, but first, I want to update you on our sweet baby girl. 

Marie Ruth-Therese was born still into this world on Saturday, September 22 at 1:40PM. She was 1 lb, 5.4 oz, 13 inches long and absolutely beautiful. We spent about 4 hours with her - loving her, holding her, taking pictures, showing her off to her big brother, grandparents and aunt. It was such a sad time, but overshadowed with so much joy and peace.  We miss our little girl so much, but we have so much joy knowing that she is in heaven with Jesus and Mary, all the saints and her Grandma (Ruth Marie and Marie Ruth! :) )  We know that so much of the peace we have comes from your prayers and support during this most difficult journey. 

We went in for her weekly check up on Thursday morning and they could not find her heartbeat. I went in to the hospital on Friday night to start the induction process and had her the next afternoon.  It all went very smoothly-better than I could have imagined.  I had a lot of anxiety about labor and delivery but it was so peaceful.  The hospital staff was amazing.  There were so many prayers being said.  God was with us.  We were truly blessed. 

We are all doing well.  I feel good physically and emotionally.  It's amazing how life keeps moving on.  Sometimes I just want everything to stop.  I don't want any more time to pass from those moments when she was in my arm.  I want to go back to that time when she was still inside of me, alive. Yet, I know and feel that time is healing and that it is good. 


Thank you all so much for your prayers and support.  You are all very special to me!

RMB

Checking In

It's been awhile! Life has been continuing on.  We celebrated our anniversary by going to Mass and then a cooking class.  It was so much fun.. my husband is always so good at planning special events.

The days have had their ups and downs.  Some days are, some minutes are better than others.  Overall, we continue to try to live out this new chapter in our lives with joy and faith.  We found out about a week and a half ago that there is no longer any amniotic fluid surrounding Marie.  I didn't expect good news, but also didn't expect that.  She still isn't growing. My uterus is only measuring 20 weeks, but I am 29 weeks along.  But, she is still there!  Giving me a big kick every once in awhile to remind me that she's still with us. :)

Our love for her continues to grow.

Many blessings to you all!
RMB

What's in a diagnosis anyway?

So it looks like Marie does not have Trisomy 18... well, there's about a 1 in 10,000 chance at this point.  I had a blood test called cell-free DNA testing.  It checks for Trisomy 13,18,21.  It doesn't diagnose, but tells you if you have a high-risk or low-risk for these disorders.  The test came back saying that Marie is at low-risk for T-18 meaning there's about a 1% chance.  Now, I'm not big on percentages these days since there was like a 1 in 2000 chance that I'd even have a baby with a chromosomal disorder in the first place.  But, I still lean toward believing the test.  This could be taken as good news, but it really doesn't matter.  The prognosis is the same.  She still has a lot of markers revealing that SOMETHING is clearly going on.  It threw me for a loop at first... what am I supposed to think about this?  Is it supposed to give me hope? Or are we just not supposed to know the diagnosis?  The news was unsettling at first, but now I'm back to normal-my new normal that is.  It is what it is at this point and we still just have to wait and see.

She was just giving me a little treat... kicking me like crazy. :)  I didn't want to move! :) But now her big brother is up from his nap and singing the ABCs in his crib.  Time to get moving! :)

I found this article somewhere today... can't even remember from where and it was just a few hours ago.. anyway, here it is. Check it out... beautiful, sad, inspiring!

Fame

I have 14 comments on one post and 4 followers! Woo hoo!  I feel like a celebrity... kind of. :)  I just wanted to check in quick and say thank you again to everyone!!! I can feel your prayers and support surrounding my family and I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I also want to thank Mrs. B over at Joy Beyond the Cross.  Her post was humbling, encouraging and so filled with love.  I was just floored when I read it.  If you haven't already, check out her inspiring, honest and love-filled blog when you get a chance.  She is one of the very first people my husband and I met when we moved here and we fell in love with her from the start!  She has always been one of our very favorite people.  Like she said, we don't talk/see each other often, but when we do it is like no time has passed.  When she found out we were engaged 4 years ago, she sent us a prayer book immediately. It had been months since we had seen her.  One of the many examples of her generosity and kindness!

Planning to write more soon.  It has been a good week.  Between appointments, life morphs back into a bit of normalcy for awhile.  The pain and fear is not at the surface, but buried just a bit deeper, making it a little easier to forget for awhile.  Prayers for all of you!!

Much love,
RMB

Thank you!

Wow... a BIG thank you to Rebecca over at The Road Home. And to all of you who have offered your support, encouragement and prayers. This morning I checked my email to see a few more comments on my blog which is always exciting. As I read through them, I noticed a theme, people were coming over from Rebecca's blog. I thought, "Wow, I wonder if she added me to her blog roll. Cool!" But when I clicked over to her blog, I was moved to tears when I saw a whole post dedicated to my family. Thank you all again. I had a MUCH better day today and I know it was because of your uplifting prayers!

This blogging world is amazing and I feel truly blessed to be a part of it.  My first real exposure to it was back in March when I went to the Behold Conference.  I meant to write about it back then but never did.  Now here's my chance!  I traveled with a friend of mine who I knew long before either one of us had a blog. She is actually the one who really encouraged me to get going on my blog!  Anyway, she was really excited to meet up with a number of her blogger friends.  I can remember the joy and excitement in the room when two other bloggers walked in.  It was as if they were neighbors who had just seen each other a few hours ago. They talked and laughed and reminisced about stories and other bloggers.  When my friend and I were alone again later that night, I asked how many times they had met in person.  "Oh, she said. This is the first time!"  I couldn't believe it!!  They had a deeper connection with each other than I do with many people who I have spent time with for years.  I saw this same scenario repeated time and time again. When people would introduce themselves, the first question was about where I blogged.  I loved it.  So foreign to me.  Now, I am swept up in this wonderful support group of bloggers, friends who so willingly give their love and support to someone who they have never met, but who they see is in need.  Thank you, all, so much.  And please know of my prayers and love for all of you!!

RMB

Family

The last few days have been very emotional. We went to a family reunion on my dad's side-lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, laughter and tears. We had sent out an email about a week earlier, so every one knew what was going on with us. Friday went well. Lots of hug and supports, but no tears. We were all just happy to see each other. The last time we were all together was four years ago for my Grandma's 90th birthday party. This weekend, we celebrated her 94th. On Saturday, we had a Mass, where I did a reading. We arrived right before Mass and I did a quick look over of the reading. "Really?" I thought. "This is what I'm supposed to be read?" It was all about suffering and asking God to take away our afflictions. I started to tear up a bit, but thought I'd be ok to read it.  I wasn't. I was about halfway through when the tears started coming. I made it through... barely. I was doing ok until the petitions, when my sweet cousin read a petition for us and started crying herself... cue tears again. It's not over yet. At the end, my dad had a few announcements for the group. He talked about my Grandpa and Mom who have both passed away. He started tearing up and there was no way I could hold it together after that. While it was extremely emotional and difficult at times, it was so healing to be surrounded by family, enveloped in loving hugs-sharing our tears of sadness together.

I am so thankful for the blessing of such a loving and supportive family to help us through this time. They lift me up and keep me going and remind me that we are not alone on this earth- God has given us so many people to help carry us through.

Forgetting

Every once in awhile I forget that our unborn baby girl has a terrible abnormality that is ultimately going to kill her. I do the normal day to day things-washing the dishes, playing with my son, making dinner, and then, it all comes back in a rush. I see a picture of a baby, see her name somewhere or I just... remember. It's nice to forget for awhile and think that we are normal again, that we aren't facing tragedy. But when I remember and come face to face with reality, I also remember that my daughter is a gift from God. She is a precious life who I already love more than I could ever imagine. This is what I need to remember, this is what I need to let take over so that I can enjoy my time with her and rejoice over the beautiful person growing inside of me!

RMB

Bittersweet

That last post was a little intense. I'm not used to share my innermost feelings and emotions with, potentially, anybody. Yet, in that moment, it gave me a release and felt right. Also, if I am going to truly chronicle these events and these feelings, I need to be honest. And if one day, it all helps someone on their own difficult journey, then all the better.

This journey is full of both bitter and sweet moments.

Feeling Marie kick and move inside of me is so sweet, with a hint of bitterness. Every time I feel her, I have an overwhelming sense of joy and love. I guess it makes me a little sad, too, but not as much as I would think. Feeling her move reminds me that she is still with us and that I need to enjoy every kick, every moment that I can with her. She is my sweet, beautiful daughter and, right now, she is with me.

Today I held our neighbor's 2-day old baby girl. She is beautiful and precious and perfect. Holding her brought so many emotions. I was so happy for them and for this beautiful life, but so sad, too. I was sad for myself, but mostly sad for what would not be. My neighbor and I have shared our pregnancies the last few months-the joy, the pain, the anticipation. We've talked about how perfect it is that our first-born sons are only 5 months apart and next babies only four. We were excited when we found out we were both having girls. Now, I can't help but be sad knowing that our little girls won't get that chance to play together, laugh together and share secrets.

I take joy in the sweet moments and cling to the Lord in the bitter moments, because without Him, this road would be unbearable.

RMB

Denial

This isn't really happening, right? It can't be. We can't be losing our baby.

I have spent today caling different people about planning our special birth. I had a conversation with my brother about planning for her funeral and burial. On the outside I say things like, "I'm ok, we have to talk about." "These things need to get done." But on the inside my heart is breaking and I feel crushed by the weight of this pain. I want to sleep, watch tv all day and not think about it. But I must face the reality as the world goes on and around me. As my almost two year old clamors for my attention and gives me more joy and love then I could ever imagine. I must cling to the Lord and depend on his strength, not my own.

Baby Girl

So reading that last post is... indescribable. Not because it's that's good, actually it made me realize that I really need to work on pulling in my thoughts. :) It's just that, I had NO idea how real the idea of suffering would become to in the next months.

I have always wanted to keep this blog up, but never had the ability to pull my thoughts together to consistently write. I knew I wanted to write about something, but could never quite figure out exactly what. Now I wonder if all signs are pointing to dedicating this blog to our baby girl. I always intended it to be about my mom and my journey of motherhood (her footsteps were me following my mom). That is all still relevant, and now those footsteps also represent my daughter, Marie.

For the last five weeks, we have known something was up with our unborn daughter, but we didn't know what.  When we went in for a routine 18 week ultrasound, we could tell something was wrong. The same tech who was cheery and chatty at the ultrasound for our healthy, first-born son, was now quiet and reserved.  We received the call from our doctor later that night. "Your baby has very low amniotic fluid. We don't know why, but we the prognosis is not good."  The last few weeks have been quite the roller coaster. Over the last few weeks we have had four other ultrasounds. Each one was a different experience. None of them gave us complete reassurance, but some gave us more hope than others. Then, at our ultrasound this past Monday, we were told that it was very likely that our sweet Marie has Trisomy 18.

Trisomy 18 is a chromosomal abnormality. A quick biology lesson-before ovulation, an egg has to split. It goes from 46 chromosomes to 23. Before a sperm is ready join an egg, it also has to split and go from 46 chromosomes to 23. In our case, either the egg or sperm did not split correctly and ended up with an extra 18th chromosome, therefore giving our little girl a third 18 chromosome.  I really should have let my husband give the biology lesson. :) Sorry if that's confusing. But basically she has some extra DNA that is causing major problems.

The prognosis is not good for our little love. She is measuring very small, she has a hole in her heart, she has low amniotic fluid and few other telltale signs of Trisomy 18.  We don't know how long she will live.  We don't know is she will die in my womb, if she'll be stillborn, if it'll be a few minutes, days or even years.  Statistically speaking, is she does live at all, it will not be for very long. We are, of course, extremely saddened by this news. But we also rejoice in the gift that she is to us, her parents, her brother and her extended family and friends. We are her parents and always will be, no matter what happens. We plan to cherish every moment we have her and thank God for the blessing that she is in our lives.

During this time, we ask for prayers for our Baby Girl, for us, for our family and friends and for all those who face adverse prenatal diagnoses, especially those who do not have the support that we do.

I won't promise that I will keep up the blog, but I think that it may be therapeutic.  And if it could help anyone else, I know that it would be worth it.

Blessings to you all.  Rejoice in the Lord, for He is good.

RMB

Fear

"So they left the presence of the Sanhedrin, rejoicing that they had been found worthy to suffer dishonor for the sake of the name." A little background-this is Bible verse Acts 5:41.  The disciples of Jesus had just gone before the Sanhedrin for the "crime" of proclaiming and teaching about the Messiah, Jesus.  They escaped death, but were still beaten and ordered to stop speaking of Jesus.

When I read this line my first thought was, "What?!?!? They REJOICED over SUFFERING?  Are these people nuts?!"  A holy response, huh?  In truth, I see the beauty of this verse.  I desire to have this kind of faith and trust in the Lord, but, in short, I don't have it.  I have a lot of fear.  I tend to want to pick and choose my suffering.  "Come on, Lord. Don't give me THIS cross, I would do so much better with this other cross or maybe this other one."  It doesn't work this way, and thank God that it doesn't.  I have become super sensitive to what I read and watch.  I used to love watching CSI type shows, but now I have to turn them immediately.  There are times when I'm positive that someone is going to jump me when I'm walking out of... Adoration!  I mean, really, of all times to have fear, that has to be one of the most ridiculous.  I can blame some of this on the media's dramatization of everything, the presence of so much real crime and evil in the world and my early exposure to "Unsolved Mysteries." (I tried to tell my dad this the other day.  Dad, I think the reason that I'm scared to be home alone at night is because when you thought I was sleeping on the couch, I was really watching Unsolved Mysteries.  His response, So, what do you want me to do about it now. :)  This was, of course, all in jest, although there is probably some truth to it!)  Yes, I can blame some of these things, but in reality, it is my lack of faith and trust of the protection of the Lord.

To rejoice in suffering is very counter cultural and I would argue, very counter to our fallen human nature.  But, when we can truly accept suffering, embrace it with joy and faith, only then can we be truly open to God's ultimate outpouring of love and mercy in his divine plan for our lives.

May today you be filled with joy that can be had through Jesus Christ!

RMB

Dry Cleaning

I was just looking into some local dry cleaning.  On the website for one particular cleaner, it stated that they had experience cleaning Gucci, Prada, Vera Wang and a host of other upscale brands.  I'm not sure if I feel comfortable sending my items to them.  Nowhere does it say that they have experience with Mossimo, Faded Glory, Kohl's, JCPenney or any of the like..... ;).

Homesick

Well, after being homesick for a few days, I am now home, sick. :)  I have been itching to get on the computer and write some posts, but after getting hit with a cold over the weekend, it took all I had in me to take care of myself and Baby Boy. I am feeling so much better today.  This was my first "big" cold of the season so I can't complain. And it was all worth it-I had a truly amazing and uplifting weekend at the Behold Conference.

About a week ago, my friend called to see if I was interested in driving to IL to attend a women's conference.  As she started to tell me about the conference I interrupted her and said, "Yeah, I know about it! I've been thinking about going to it for some time, but just assumed it wasn't going to work out."  Well, God has a way of making things possible!  I was able to get Friday off, my husband was able to get Friday off, and after much angst on whether or not I could really leave Baby Boy for THREE WHOLE DAYS, for the first time ever, I decided to go.  My friend, M, her baby girl, E, and I left my driveway at 8:30 AM on Friday morning.  The trip there went extremely well.  Baby E was an absolute champ of a traveler!!! It was her first long road trip, and at 2 months, she definitely rocked it.  Her mom and I talked so much that M lost her voice. :)  We stopped for lunch at my sister's, which was a treat for me. It was such an odd feeling not having Baby Boy with me.  I'm just so used to having someone else to take care of!  But, I wasn't as homesick as I thought I would be.  I definitely missed him and DH, but was able to focus on the conference and the people around me and really enjoy my time.  It helped that I was surrounded by some amazing people!

The trip home also went really well.  We had planned to stay over night in IL on Saturday night, but when I asked M if she would want to get halfway back and get part of the trip over with that night, she agreed.  I was so excited knowing that I would get to see Baby Boy and DH the next afternoon!  We left IL at 7 pm and headed back to my sister's house.  I couldn't get a hold of her to officially ask if we could stay over night, but I knew she'd be ok with it.  Once I finally got a hold of her, she was so gracious.
I still feel like I owe M big time for changing plans at the last minute on her!  She was so great about it though.

We pulled in my driveway on Sunday at 2 pm and I was so happy to be back with my boys.  Glad to be home and on the mend! More to come on the Behold Conference and the wonderful world of blogging.
RMB

We have arrived!!

I told you I'd be back!  We have arrived at the Behold Conference.  Well, the conference doesn't start until tomorrow, but we made the trip and arrived safe and sound.  It was a great trip-Baby E rocked the car ride. She cried for about 15 minutes the entire 12 hours of traveling!

This is the first time I've left my little love for more than a few hours!  I'm doing better than I thought. :)  My dh was so excited to have the weekend alone to spend time with Baby Boy, and I am excited for them. They are hitting up the hockey scene this weekend-high school playoffs this afternoon and college hockey tonight.  Baby Boy usually goes to bed at 7:30, but I called them at 9 and they were still at the game going strong.

Off to meet some more blogger friends.  I'm hoping that I will be adopted into the blogger world this weekend since I haven't made many friends via my unexciting, rather nonexistent blog!

RMB

I'm Here!

If there is anyone who ever read this blog and/or continues to follow this blog... don't give up on me! :)  I'm still here and definitely plan on writing.  What really needs to happen is for me to get into a schedule and make writing more of a priority.  Since January I have been doing full time daycare for two little girls and it has been wiping me out!  Any spare time is spent cleaning, relaxing or sleeping. :)  But, there is hope and I am DETERMINED to get back on the blogosphere.  It is something I really enjoy and want to continue!!


To add to my bad bloggerness, I will now post my Advent Prayer Buddy Reveal! Ah! How embarrassing.  I really haven't been on since Advent, but still.  So, last Advent, I prayed for The Chief at http://life-love-joy-hope.blogspot.com It has truly been a joy getting to know her and reading her posts.  I continue to pray for her and feel so honored to have been her prayer buddy!


God's blessings to you all this weekend.  I am heading to a women's conference with a dear friend and her beautiful baby girl.  I am really looking forward to the conference and to making the long road trip with someone who I have known for a long time, but have never had the chance to really get to know well.  I think after 16ish hours in the car and 3 days together, we will get the opportunity to really know each other!  Can't wait!


RMB