That last post was a little intense. I'm not used to share my innermost feelings and emotions with, potentially, anybody. Yet, in that moment, it gave me a release and felt right. Also, if I am going to truly chronicle these events and these feelings, I need to be honest. And if one day, it all helps someone on their own difficult journey, then all the better.
This journey is full of both bitter and sweet moments.
Feeling Marie kick and move inside of me is so sweet, with a hint of bitterness. Every time I feel her, I have an overwhelming sense of joy and love. I guess it makes me a little sad, too, but not as much as I would think. Feeling her move reminds me that she is still with us and that I need to enjoy every kick, every moment that I can with her. She is my sweet, beautiful daughter and, right now, she is with me.
Today I held our neighbor's 2-day old baby girl. She is beautiful and precious and perfect. Holding her brought so many emotions. I was so happy for them and for this beautiful life, but so sad, too. I was sad for myself, but mostly sad for what would not be. My neighbor and I have shared our pregnancies the last few months-the joy, the pain, the anticipation. We've talked about how perfect it is that our first-born sons are only 5 months apart and next babies only four. We were excited when we found out we were both having girls. Now, I can't help but be sad knowing that our little girls won't get that chance to play together, laugh together and share secrets.
I take joy in the sweet moments and cling to the Lord in the bitter moments, because without Him, this road would be unbearable.